1. Do you have a pulse?
2. Have you ever had a crush on someone?
3. Can you read?
4. Are you willing to start and finish a book about sex?
If you answered yes to all four of the questions above, this book is for you! Before you get started though, let me give you a quick heads up. There may be certain chapters you want to turn to right away; however, this book is best understood when you start in the first chapter and proceed through the rest of the chapters in the order they appear.
When you hear the words premarital abstinence,* what mental image do you conjure up? Perhaps you envision a heavyset nun sporting a stiff black and white robe, her pale, plump face bulging through one of those freakishly odd headdresses. Or maybe a certain person comes to mind—that dorky bucktoothed kid with the “I Brake for Science Fairs” bumper sticker plastered to his biology binder. He says he’s waiting until he’s married to have sex, but rumor has it that’s just a cover-up for the fact that he has yet to muster up the courage to ask a girl out. Then again, maybe the first person you think of is someone you really admire and respect who has openly committed to abstinence.
Nearly one out of every two high school students is sexually active.1
When I was young, I associated premarital abstinence with those “goody-goody” preppy types who, in my opinion, were boring, snobby, and overly sheltered by their parents. Eventually, my perspective drastically changed, but I’ll get to that later. For now, what matters is what you believe about abstinence. You probably know where your parents stand on the issue, how your B.F.F. views the topic, and what the “in crowd” has to say about premarital sex, but this book is not about them—it’s about you, your future, and your right to choose.
Who Are You, Anyway?
Do you remember when your mother used to dress you when you were little? In the first grade, my mom sent me to school on picture day wearing turquoise corduroy pants with a rainbow-colored knit unicorn sweater. (Yes, the unicorn’s mane was made of fringe!) To top it off, she cut my hair the night before—even at six years of age I knew half-inch-length bangs that stretched from one ear all the way to the other were not cool.
The point is, when we are children, our parents (or caregivers) tend to make most of our decisions for us. They not only influence our outward appearance, such as the way we dress and how we style our hair (God bless my mother!), but they also mold our inward views and thought processes. Our parents are the primary influence on our worldview,* which includes our spiritual, political, ethical, and moral perspectives.
*Worldview:
How one perceives the world based on personal beliefs and what one believes to be true about God, self, humanity, and civilization.
However, as we blossom into teenagers (or in my case, awkwardly stumble through the teen years), it’s time to start thinking for ourselves. Now, I am not saying it’s time to rebel against our parents and revolt against the adult authorities in our lives. I’m simply saying that we need to begin examining the deeper issues of life and determining who we are and what we stand for.
It is equally important to come to terms with who we are not and what we will not stand for. This quest to deepen our personal sense of identity involves deciding what kind of peer group we prefer to hang around, what sort of music we want to listen to, and how we want to dress, but it is much bigger than these variables (though while we’re on the topic, may I suggest staying away from unicorn sweaters with fringe manes!).
This journey is about discovering our own set of core values and developing personal convictions* that guide us through life. In order to do this, we must go beyond “just because” thinking—“I believe it just because…” or “I do that just because….”
*Conviction:
The state of being convinced, especially in terms of viewing something as morally right or wrong.
As my husband often says, until we know what we stand for, we will fall for anything. Case in point, young person, you’ve got to start looking at the more serious issues in life and making some crucial conclusions.
This process starts by distinguishing truth from lies.
Truth Versus Lies
I know, I know—you’re wondering when we’re gonna talk about sex. Trust me, this book is all about sex, but we have to look at some important things first—things that, believe it or not, drastically affect how you view sex.
If you think about it, humanity is plagued by an ongoing battle between truth and lies. For example, it is the truth that causes a couple to take an unwanted baby into their home and shower him with the words of affirmation and love he truly deserves. On the contrary, it is a lie that compels an attractive young lady to starve herself to death, falsely believing she is fat despite her protruding bones.
*Absolute truth:The notion that there are certain life truths which remain constant throughout history and apply to all of humanity.
Approximately one-third of young women get pregnant before age 20.2
Unfortunately, our society today is being bombarded with the bogus idea that absolute truth* does not exist, that we each decide what is true, and then “poof!”—it becomes true (a philosophy known as relativism). But how can this be?
Consider these controversial scenarios:
- God, a Supreme Being, either exists or does not exist.
- Heaven is a real place or a myth; it can’t be both.
- The Bible is either inspired by God, and therefore perfectly true, or it is made up of humanity’s opinions, and consequently, flawed by human error.
And if you believe one thing and I cling to the exact opposite view, how can we both be right?
Let me ask you a question. Are you just going to believe what you hear about God, the world, and yourself without giving it much thought? Are you going to make decisions about sex, love, and your life’s priorities based on what Hollywood portrays in make-believe TV episodes? Are you going to allow what your peers say about you to define who you are?
Allow me to offer some advice that I really needed to hear when I was young. Don’t claim to be a certain religion just because that’s what your parents are. And don’t go to church on Sundays just because that’s what “good kids” do. Likewise, don’t be an atheist just because your biology teacher showed you some video that claimed we all came from apes.
And don’t believe the mean things someone says about you just because the person who said it was popular. And for Pete’s sake, don’t have sex just because you can!
You must seek truth for yourself, and not in some half-hearted, “I will when I feel like it” kind of way. The pursuit of truth is far too important for that approach, and here’s why:
We are confronted every day with truth and lies. Furthermore, there are tremendous blessings for believing and following the truth, but devastating consequences for believing and following a lie.
Go ahead—read that bold print again until it really sinks in.
The Truth About Lies
My sister-in-law, Debbie, is an ambulance driver in a small Texas town, and she recently experienced one of the most difficult days at work she’s ever had. Her emergency unit received a call that a 16-year-old boy had been handling a gun that he sincerely believed was not loaded. He was wrong. Tragically, he accidentally shot his sister in the head and killed her.
Debbie soon realized she knew the family—she was good friends with the kids’ mother! After the girl’s body was removed, Debbie worked late into the night helping to clean up at the scene of the incident, which involved scrubbing the blood soaked carpet and peeling brain matter off of the boy’s bedroom walls. (Gruesome, I know.)
Case in point—believing a lie can have devastating results, even if one’s belief is heartfelt and sincere. That gun was loaded and no amount of disbelief could change that. And so it is in life. Our opinions don’t change reality, which is why we want to diligently seek to discover truth—so that our opinions line up with reality! Am I making any sense here?
Just so you know, I do believe that God exists, that Heaven is a real place, and that the Bible is inspired by God and therefore, 100 percent true, but it’s not just because some preacher told me it’s true. I’ve dedicated my life to researching the history and accuracy of the Bible, listening to skeptics’ arguments, washing their philosophies against the wisdom of the Scriptures, and sincerely seeking and praying for God to reveal truth to me.
Believe it or not, my pursuit for truth not only led me to a real and meaningful relationship with Christ, but also birthed a passion in me to help young people understand God’s plan for sex.
An estimated half of all new cases of HIV occur in people under the age of 25.3
Finally, It’s Time to Talk About Sex!
When it comes to truth and lies, one of the most massive tidal waves of deception engulfing this generation of young people is the idea that sex has no real significance and, therefore, needs no boundaries. These days, sex with whomever and whenever is not only accepted by our society, but often celebrated. As a result, young people are drowning under the pressure and consequences of those lies.
One in four teens claims to feel pressure to have sex.4
Well, I personally believe that, but what about you? What do you believe?
- Is sex simply a physical act, or is there more to it?
- Does God have a plan and purpose for your sexuality?
- Is there any valid reason to wait until you’re married to have sex?
Many people would respond to those questions with a big “fat” no, but what’s the truth of the matter? What do you really believe?
Maybe you are not convinced that there’s any real purpose in saving sex for marriage. You believe that sex is simply about experiencing physical pleasure and, if desired, making babies. Well that’s okay; I understand that way of thinking because that’s the way I used to believe. But eventually, my desire to get to the truth of the matter led me to…well…the naked truth about sex and abstinence! Now I feel I must share those truths with you because, believe it or not, you have a decision to make.
It Really Is Your Decision!
You may have parents who go out of their way to keep you out of sexual temptation—no dating, no alone time with the opposite sex, and no way of sneaking out of the house at night without tripping that blasted burglar alarm! Then again, your parents may be extremely relaxed in this area. They let you pretty much go out with whomever, whenever, wherever, and don’t ask a whole lot more than, “Did you spend all the cash we gave you?” Perhaps you don’t even live with your parents anymore.
Either way, the decision to engage in sex or abstain is ultimately your decision. I often warn adults, no matter how strict their parental standards are, they can’t stop their kids from having sex if their teenagers are truly determined to do so. If you’re anything like I was when I lived at home, you can come up with some creative ways of getting around your parents’ rules and boundaries when you really set your mind to it.
Lessons I Learned the Hard Way!
Wearing all black does not make you invisible at night, and cops are highly suspicious of teenagers running through neighborhoods with backpacks full of toilet paper. Just giving you a heads up!
When sexual temptation comes—and trust me, it will—the choice to give in or say no will be up to you. No one can make that decision for you. You may have a great support team in your life—your parents, youth leaders, friends, stuffed animals you’ve confided in for years—but in the heat of the moment, you will decide what to do. When your beliefs about sex are put to the test, you will be forced to make a decision. In short, Care Bear ain’t gonna be there to bail you out!
With this in mind, it is of the utmost importance that you have all the facts so that you can make up your mind about where you stand on the issue of premarital sex. Equally important, you must understand what it realistically takes to abstain from sex until marriage should you choose to pursue abstinence.
Sure, we’ll touch on the risks of pregnancy and STDs throughout this book, but we’re not going to stop there. In upcoming chapters, we will travel beyond the physical aspects of human sexuality and examine the spiritual implications of sex as described in the Bible. Trust me, it will be real. It will be fun. Hey, it just might be real fun! I only ask one thing from you at this point. Make that two things:
Approximately 10 percent of boys and girls have sex before turning 14.5
- 1. Finish what you start. Determine to read every chapter of this book. No matter how busy you get or what crazy circumstances life sends your way, don’t put this book on the shelf until you’ve read it in its entirety. The subject of this book—sex—is that important! And don’t skip to the few chapters that seem the most interesting. There’s something in every chapter that I really want you to know.
- 2. Think about what you’re reading. When I pose various questions, take time to ponder your answers. When I put forth certain challenges, take me up on them. In other words, don’t just read the book to read it—get everything out of it you can, quizzes and all. That’s the only way you’ll see what I am desperately hoping to reveal to you.
Do You See What I See?
When I was in junior high and my social life was so lame that I had nothing better to do than walk the mall for hours with my equally penniless friends, I discovered a store that sold Magic Eye pictures. When I first took a look around I thought, Who in the world would buy one of these? It just looks like messy spaghetti noodles slopped on a canvas!
But as I stood there and stared at one of the pictures, something amazing happened. I suddenly saw a breathtaking 3-D image of an eagle soaring high above snowcapped mountains. I blinked a bit, and just as quickly as the beautiful artwork appeared, I lost it again and saw only the messy spaghetti.
I learned that there was a certain trick the lines play on your eyes and if you could focus just right, every seemingly ugly picture in there actually concealed a gorgeous multiple layer image. Not everyone was patient enough to make their way around the store to try and see the hidden beauty masked on each canvas, but I loved to, simply because the images impressed me so much.
Sex can be the same way. At first glance, it looks like little more than a physical act. But if we’re willing to focus on the Creator’s real purpose for sex, we will see it is a much deeper and richer experience than we originally imagined. We will also come to realize that premarital abstinence is not just for nuns and nerds—it’s for anyone who desires to plan ahead for his or her future love life.
I cannot wait to paint that picture for you! I’ll start right away in the next chapter, but first, give some thought to these “Points to Ponder.” Better yet, discuss these questions and answers with a friend.
POINTS TO PONDER:
1. What is your source of truth? In other words, how do you decide if something is true?
2. Do you think and act the way you do simply because your parents tell you to, or do you do things because you believe it’s the right thing to do?
3. In your opinion, what is the purpose of sex? Is there anything special or sacred about it?
4. Should sex be reserved for marriage? Why or why not?
5. Do you like crunchy or creamy peanut butter best?
6. What do you hope to accomplish by reading this book?
